Pyro Ductape Mistress of Doom's English Project
by Falcon Z
Summary: This is my full English project on survial. In this story, the characters have to survive homicidal keebler elves. It's listed under Harry Potter, because, durring the school year, they go to Hogwarts. Characters based on me, an rp char, and 2 friends.
1. Prologue: Village Idiots

**_Author's Notes:_** This is the Prologue to my English paper, the first one of the year, about surviving homicidal Keebler elves. Remy Falcon is based on me, Anya Jacobs is based on Anya, I don't know her name yet, Celes Moon is based on Christina/Celes, who's name here is Sonira, and Ewan is an original character, and in this story, only slightly based on our friend Bennifred.

* * *

"MOONY!" Remy Falcon turned about at her nickname to face her best friend Anya Jacobs running towards her.

Starting to run towards her friend as well, she happily cried out Anya's nickname, "PADFOOT!" They laughed and embraced, bouncing up and down.

As they huggled, their other friend, Ewan Weasley (yes, a cousin Ron and the gang), came up behind them. "GET A ROOM!"

Moony jumped up in his face and yelled back, "I DON'T HAVE TO, I'M ALREADY CHEATING ON EVERYONE!"

He first swatted at the smell of her breath in jest, and then asked in a confused manner, "How can you be cheating on everyone?"

Remy sighed and tried to explain. "I'm cheating on you, Padfoot, Celes--"

"DID YOU SAY PIE?!"

Everyone jumped around to see Celes Moon, their other OTHER friend, standing there. Ewan immediately replied with, "Three point one four, a great number!"

Anya yelled, "APPLE!"

Remy yelled, "CHERRY!"

Celes yelled, "PICKLE!"

Ewan opened his mouth to yell a pie flavor, but stopped short and asked frantically, **_"PICKLE?!?!"_**

Celes grinned. "I like pickle pizza, I like pickle chips, I even like pickle cars!" They others knowingly laughed at the reference to her sister's green Ford Focus. She continued, "But I don't like pickles!"

"I like ketchup!" Everyone turned and sweatdropped at Moony. She obliviously asked after a few seconds of sweatdropping, "What? Did I say something wrong and untruthful? I'll eat ketchup on anything!"

Ewan asked, "Even watermelon?"

"Yep!"

Celes asked, "Even pie?"

"Oh, yes!!"

Anya asked, "Even chocolate pudding?"

"Ew, no!!" They all looked at her surprised and she explained, "Ketchup and chocolate pudding tastes like vomit without all the chunks, I know, I've tried it."

They all nodded and said, "Ahhhhh."

After nearly two minutes of silence, Ewan asked, "So... why are we meeting here again?" They were all standing around the single, shadeless tree on the corner of the Parkview and Olmsted (two public schools in their small, Massachusetts town) soccer field, as Celes had instructed them to.

Celes grinned and jumped back and very dramatically with the flailing of limbs everywhere, and shouted, "I HAVE INVITED YOU ALL HERE TO COME WITH ME TO THE HOLLOW TREE OF THE KEEBLER ELVES AND EXPLORE THEIR WONDROUS WORLD! MWHAHAHAHA!"

As she continued to cackle evilly, Ewan and Remy sweatdropped. Ewan asked in a low voice so only Remy could hear, "Did some one force-feed her sugar again?"

Remy's facial expression went from sweatdrop-mode to guilty-mode in a flash, and she muttered uncomfortably, "Maybe..."

Anya grinned obliviously and said a very energetic Celes in the same manner, "Hey, Mr. Frodo, did ya know ya got a monkey on your shoulder?!!"

Both Remy and Ewan sweatdropped again.

Ewan muttered, "Maybe they fed her, too."

Remy muttered in reply, "Wasn't me, this time."

Celes came back down to Earth, hearing Anya's Mr. Frodo business and said calmly. "No, I am not Mr. Frodo, but I do have..." She pulled her chain off from around her neck and held up the ring that was on it. "...THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL!!"

Remy corrected her. "Actually, you just got that off a Lord of the Rings bookmark and threw the rest away."

Celes glared in a very Severus Snape-like manner and hissed in a very Gollum-ish manner, "Shut up, you filthy mortal!" Then in a normal voice, she continued, "No, really, my brother saw one of the elves in the cookie section at the Shaw's where he works. He caught it, and I made the elf a deal that I would let him go if you guys and I could go live and help out around The Hollow Tree!"

Anya looked like she would jump to believe that story, seeing as it involved elves, but Ewan wasn't so eager. "Do you have any proof of this elf?"

Out of the left chest pocket of her black shirt, she pulled out a what looked like a little, purple water gun. Remy took it out of her hand and examined it. After a moment, she cried out, "It's the same one Elfwood uses to blast the sandwich cookies with marshmallow, chocolate, and Butterfingers! She must be telling the truth!!!"

They all randomly cheered. After their cries and such hooting stopped, they agreed to meet back at that very tree the next day, dressed and packed for a few weeks, and also with some of their Hogwarts stuff as well.

They departed, and Celes and Ewan went in two different directions, while Moony and Padfoot walked goofed off on the walk home, seeing as Anya only lived two miles down the rode from Remy.

* * *

**_A/N:_** Next chapter will include character descriptions and such. By the way, they all go to Hogwarts, even though they live in the USA. I don't know why, but I just don't feel like sending them to the magic school in Salem.

Cya!

--PDMD


	2. Chapter 1: Pimpin' pies and hobos are o...

**_A/n:_** 2800-somethign words sofar! WOOO!!

* * *

The next morning they met at the same tree before sunrise. Remy was the first to get there. She was wearing an orange Easton Youth Soccer League jersey, with flare jeans that had a tear in the right knee, and converse sneakers with Care Bear laces. She also wore her Hufflepuff robes. Next to her, she pulled her Hogwarts' trunk that she had packed for school at the Hollow Tree. It was easy to pull, because she attached wheels to the bottom, as well as a rope handle.

Remy's hair was shoulder-length, golden-brown, and the tips were died dark-blonde. Today it was down, and she had a hair elastic for it around her wrist. Her eyes were ocean blue, with a line of black eyeliner around them. Her face was heart-shaped, and in her left ear she wore a single gold stud (her other ear had gotten infected and closed up). Her skin was fair, and had a few light freckles here and there.

She waved to Anya as she arrived, her trunk being pulled by an old wagon that was really a piece of junk. Anya was wearing her black shirt that said in red, "Reality is a nice place to visit... but I wouldn't want to live there!" She also wore her black boy shorts which the flaming skull on the large back pocket. She wore her yellow knee socks and black Vans, which were laced with rainbow ribbon. She also wore her Hogwarts' robes, but she was in Syltherin.

Anya's hair was long, curly, and red, the same fire truck red as Ariel's hair from Disney's the little mermaid. Today it was pulled back in a braid, with her camouflage bandana pulled over the top of her head. Her eyes were blue-green. Her face was oval-shaped, and her ears were not pierced. Her skin, like Moony's, was fair, though a bit paler, and if she had any freckles, they were darker than her friend's.

They quietly goofed off and role played for several more minutes, before they saw the pickle car. Immediately the two started chanting, "Pickle car! Pickle car!" Celes got out and closed the door, going around to the trunk after chanting twice with them, and pulling her trunk out. It had no wheels, so she dragged it over to the tree as her sister drove out of the Olmsted School parking lot. She was wearing her pirate costume, which consisted of a green fleece vest, a white, long sleeved, button up shirt, and her kakis. It seemed that she was forced by parental beings to leave the bamboo pole at home. She also wore her Sketchers sneakers, the ones written all over with permanent marker. As she walked up to them and enjoyed a joyous greeting of poking, she took off her fleece vest and put it in her trunk, pulling out the fleece Gryffindor cloak that Remy and Anya had made for her. She pulled that on.

Celes had very short, jaw-length hair, and a little wave of bangs; all of it was black. Her eyes were icy blue-gray, and her face was round. Her skin, as the other two girls, was fair, and the hue was somewhere between Moony's and Padfoot's. Freckles were smattered over her face, and a few others dusted her limbs. She, also, did not have her ears pierced.

Not too long after, Ewan rode up on his bike. His trunk had been strapped to the back of his mountain bike; it had also been charmed to be light as a feather. He wore a Taking Back Sunday concert tee, as well as black jeans which had been torn at the knee, black and red striped knee-highs, which were just visible above his clunky Hot Topic boots with many zippers and buckles. A chain from his studded belt to his ductape wallet in his hind pocket was hidden by his Ravenclaw school robes.

Ewan hair was short and brown, though it wasn't cut as many of the boys these days had theirs done. His normally went halfway down his ears, but today he had it spiked out in all directions. His eyes were a warm brownish-green, and his face was oval and gaunt. In his left ear, he had a dumbbell earring, and in his right, his cartilage near his ear canal was pierced. His skin was just about the same hue as Anya's, and he had no freckles what so ever.

They all fooled around for a few more minutes, doing much poking and yelling. They stopped just as they thought some one who lived near the schools might call the police. Ewan turned Celes and asked, "So... how are we getting there?" The other two also turned to face her in question.

She thought for a moment, and then answered, "Floo!"

"FLOO?!?!" The other three stared at her as if she was mad. She looked obliviously triumphant.

Remy, loving to burst her bubble, said, "Erm, Celes? There's no bloody campfire or fireplace around here, and even if we _did_ have floo powder, we can't start a fire on school grounds! We'd get arrested for arson!"

Celes looked crest fallen for a few moments of disappointed thoughts, before she jumped the highest she ever has into the air, and cried out, "I BLOODY GOT IT!"

Anya woke up, as she had fallen asleep and propped herself against Ewan's bike. She blinked a few times to focus and asked, "Got what? Pie?" Everyone sweatdropped at her hopefully oblivious face.

Celes too looked hopeful, before she physically shook it off and said, "No, no, sadly not pie." She then jumped and pointed towards the woods opposite from the F.L.O. playground, and exclaimed, "We can go visit the hobo that lives in the woods and use his campfire!"

The other three looked confused, especially Ewan. Celes elaborated. "Remember? We learned about the hobo who lives in the woods during the walk we took in there, back at the beginning of 6th grade. Remember his rock pile? You wouldn't know, Ewan, because you were still in private school."

Anya seemed to know what she was talking about, as well as Remy, but then Remy pointed out, "That was the hobo that _used_ to live in the woods. He doesn't live there anymore, he's been dead for years."

Padfoot looked depressed. "Aww," she whined, "And I was hoping he knew the hobo who tap-dances on my brain." Everyone else sweatdropped.

Celes ignored her and continued. "Well, I started to wander off during Mrs. Coyne's talk, and found an invisibility cloak next to the hobo's shoe. So I figure that he's still living out there, but he's a wizarding hobo! He's probably got some force-field around where he is and stuff. He's probably immortal, too." She shrugged. "What else do we have to go on?"

The others nodded in agreement and made their way into the woods, Anya with her wagon, which now also held Celes' trunk, and Ewan walking his bike. Remy sniffed and covered her nose. "Ewwww," she sniveled, "I smell cigar smoke."

The others took notice and nodded in agreement. A few paces later, Ewan sniffed the air and wrinkled his nose. "I smell alcohol."

The others sniffed and nodded in agreement. Another few paces later, Anya sniffed the air and happily cried out, "I smell Orcs!" Everyone turned around and sweatdropped at her. She sighed with a shrug and concluded, "Or it could just be hobo scent." Everyone returned to normal and began to walk again.

Several more paces later Celes, who was in front, abruptly stopped the line without any reason. The all began to ask her what was going on, but she bellowed at them, "DO YOU NOT REALIZE I NEED TO CONCENTRATE IN ORDER TO SMELL HERE?!?!" The other's cowered in fear behind Ewan's bike and/or the wagon. She calmly turned back around and sniffed a few times before she paled with excitement. She was nearly speechless, and barely hissed to them loud enough to be audible, "I... smell... pie!"

They all jumped up in the air and cheered, "PIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" With that they ran as fast as their legs would carry them until they found the hobo's campsite.

When they broke into the clearing, the girls cheered again as they saw a hobo eating a very yummy pie. Ewan muttered to himself, not understanding the girl's excitement, "What's so great about a hobo with a pie?"

The girl's suddenly turned all dragonish and roared at him with fiery breath, "WHAT DID YOU BLOODY SAY?!?!"

He fell backward in fear and stuttered, "I said... I said... I said 'W-What _isn't_ so g-great about a hobo with p-pie?'" He covered his head.

They returned to normal and grinned innocently while little halos, which had been devil horns but a moment ago, floated over their heads. "Ok," the three said before going back to drooling over the hobo of their dreams. Ewan sweatdropped when Celes exclaimed, "Isn't he so kawaii?!"

The shaggy looking hobo dressed in ancient wizarding robes looked up and said with a snaggle-toothed smile, "Well, hello there! What can I do ye for?"

Ewan, who was the only once in their right mind at the moment, said, "We were hoping we could use your camp fire to floo somewhere.

The hobo looked them up and down, becoming a bit disturbed by the girls, but shrugged. "Okie-dokie! Why not?"

The girls all giggled and cheered, "KAWAII!"

Ewan and the hobo sweatdropped. Beckoning Ewan forward, he asked in a low voice so only the boy could hear, "Are they always like this?"

"You mean not just when they meet a hobo who likes pie? Ya, I think so." Ewan rolled his eyes.

The hobo laughed and slapped him on the back. "You're a good lad to put up with these lassies of yours."

Celes, at hearing this, came to and laughed out loud, "EWAN'S A P.I.M.P.!!!!!!!"

Ewan blushed deeply and tried to tell them otherwise, but gave up with a sweatdrop.

Padfoot and Moony, too, laughed, until Moony stopped and protested, "WAIT! I'M THE PIMP, remember?!?!?!"

Celes explained, "No, Ewan's the pimp, you're the village idiot!"

Anya whined, "Who am I then?"

"The hobo who lives under my deck," said Moony.

Anya grinned, happy to be somebody.

The hobo sweatdropped again and began to create a smokeless campfire big enough to floo through. As he cared to the deed, Celes went into her trunk and pulled out Ewan's pimp hat that she had stolen after he won it at a fair, and a red cane. "THAT'S MY PIMP CANE," Remy exclaimed.

"I thought we had already been through this," tutted Celes with a sigh. As they started to bicker, Anya grabbed the cane and hat and ran over to Ewan. She stuffed the hat on his head and shoved the cane in his hand. Then she began to prance and skip around him, chanting something in a sing song manner about "Putting on the Ritz."

"ENOUGH!"

Everyone was startled senseless by the yell of the hobo. He smiled innocently and gestured towards the large bonfire he had created. "I take it you have floo powder?"

Everyone sweatdropped, but Celes recovered first and pulled a small plastic baggie of the powder out of the same chest pocket Elfwood's blaster was. The hobo wished them luck as he stepped out of their way. Ewan put the hat and cane back in the wagon as he put up his kickstand and walked his bike over. Together, Anya and Celes pulled the wagon, as Remy pulled her own trunk. As they closed in on the fire, Celes was silent for a moment, before asking, "How should we do this?"

They all thought for near a minute, before Remy suggested, "How 'bout we circle the fire, and when Celes throws the powder in, we all step in and say 'The Hollow Tree' on the count of three?"

They nodded in agreement and each took a spot around the inferno. As soon as the flames turned green after the powder had been tossed, the four of them all stepped in. Celes could be heard yelling, "ONE, TWO, THREE!"

In unison, they shouted, "THE HOLLOW TREE!" In a split second, there was a pop, and they were gone.

Only moments after he had extinguished the fire, the hobo realized that the hat and cane had been left behind. He shrugged and put on the hat, tossing his old trucker cap aside. He picked up the cane, and then a piece of pie, and began to dance, singing something about "Putting on the Ritz."

* * *

Cya!

--PDMD


	3. Chapter 2: Puppy Pile Drawback

**_A/N:_** I forgot to say in the last Author's Notes that I'm having them start junior high in sixth grade, instead of when Celes, Bennifred and I did, in seventh. Mrs. Coyne was my Area Studies teacher last year, and we actually did take that walk in the woods to see the hobo's rock pile and stuff. Also, Anya's name here is elvenwolf123321. --; What else would it be? Jk, Padfoot, jk. There are a few chapters after this, but I have to wrap it up quickly, because the due date for the final copy will be soon, and I'm not even done with the story!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEE!!!!

Something Sakura says a lot in these situations and stuff in the CCS stuff. It's really spelled H-O-E, but I exaggerated it. Ya, blah, w/e. --;

_Pop!_

The four of them stepped out of an Elfin sized fireplace and into a warm room that smelled of cookies. They felt very welcome.

Then Ewan began to flail his limbs and flip out, running here and there, bouncing off the walls. Everyone but Anya sweatdropped at him in confusion. She just said, "Oooo, look! It's the ritual the African tribes do before they make a sacrifice to their almighty god! We learned about that in school!"

Celes looked at her in disbelief that she actually learned something. Remy did too, then asked, "Wasn't that the day you thought you were a bear?"

Anya suddenly grinned with an odd, mad expression and made a clawing motion with her hands and said, "Rrrrooooaaaarrrr!" The other two who were sane for the moment sweatdropped.

"WE'RE BLOODY TINY!!!!!!!!!!!!"

All the girls turned to Ewan in frightful surprise as he jumped in their faces. Celes got all up in his face and hollered back, "NO WE'RE NOT, STUPID-HEAD!"

Ewan looked even more energetic, in a bad way, over this. "NO, YOU STUPID GITS!!! WE'VE BEEN SHRUNK!!!!!!!!!" The girls sweat dropped.

Remy was the first to side with him. "OH MY GODDESS! YOU'RE SO RIGHT!" The other two looked confused, but Remy asked in explanation, "How could we fit inside a regular sized hollow tree if we didn't shrink down to Elfin size?" It took the other two a few moments before they screamed and all four of them began to bounce off the walls again.

Ernest J. Keebler, the head elf, hurried into the room, followed by Elfwood, the sandwich cookie blaster, and a small party of worker elves. The elves looked confused and scared as they saw the human children. They looked especially fearful when the whole group ran towards them without meaning to. "LOOK OUT," some one howled Milliseconds later, the group crashed into them, creating a big heap. Anya had stopped immediately when she heard the warning, but when she saw the mound of bodies, she couldn't resist. "Puppy pile," she cried happily as she leaped into the air and onto the top of the mountain. The person directly beneath her groaned in pain.

It was several quiet, and quite awkward moments before a worker elf said, timidly, "Excuse me, but would who ever has their heal in my ear, please remove it?" The pile separated quickly after that.

Ernie asked first, "Who are you, and what the heck are you doing here in the hollow tree?"

Celes yelled, "SOUND OFF!"

The elves watched as they formed a single file line behind one another. The sound off went as follows:

"Remy Falcon, 13, Hufflepuff!" She did a cartwheel to the right.

"Anya Jacobs, 13, Slytherin!" She did a cartwheel to the left.

"Celes Moon, 13, Gryffindor!" She did a cartwheel to the right.

"Ewan Weasley, 13, Ravenclaw!" He tried to do a cartwheel to the left, but fell on his head, so he just got up and walked to his place in the horizontal line.

Suddenly the cancan song started playing from out of nowhere, and the four all linked arms and started, going to the right first. To this tune, they sang, "Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger badger, badge— MUSHY, MUSHY MUSHROOM! Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger badger, badge— MUSHY, MUSHY MUSHROOM! Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badge— MUSHY MUSHY MUSHROOM! Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badge— SNAKE SNAKE SNAKE SNAKEY SNAKE SNAKE!" Just as abruptly as they had started, they stopped. Randomly, during the moment of uncomfortable, Celes randomly said, "Pickle car."

Elfwood sweatdropped, then yelped with surprise, "HEY, THAT'S MINE!!!" He was dramatically pointing to his blaster gun, which had fallen out of Celes' pocket on arriving, and thank goodness, because it had returned to regular size and was lying next to Ewan's bike, which was funny because they were almost the exact same size inside the tree.

Celes grew defensive at this statement. "What are you talking about it?! It's mine, bucco!"

The growled at each other and were about to spar for it, but Ernie asked quickly, "Where did you get the blaster, Celes?" He would forever know their names, in addition to forever being mentally damaged by their opening act.

Celes became all innocent suddenly with angelic wings and a halo as she turned to Ernie. Elfwood fell backwards anime style. Sweetly, she replied, "My brother picked it off him behind the Keebler cookies at the grocery store where he works."

The elder elf nodded. He asked a harder question, next. "Why are you here?"

Ewan, Remy, Anya, and Celes all thought for a moment. Finally, Anya said, "We don't know." The elves fell backwards anime style.

"Well," started the head elf, "we're going to have to send you home. We're very busy this time of year, making all the cookies for the school cafeterias, and the ones for the mothers to put in the brown bag lunches." The worker elves nodded enthusiastically, but Elfwood still glared at Celes.

"We can't go home," said Celes suddenly. The rest of the humans looked to her in question, but she said quickly, "Our parents and/or guardians have gone to Bermuda!"

Remy and Anya gave big convincing grins identical to their other female friend's. Ewan looked confused and said mater-of-factually, "My parents aren't in Bermuda! Their—"

He was cut off when Remy angrily kneed him below the belt. He curled in on himself immediately, falling to his knees. Celes kicked his back to get the fib she wanted out. Painfully, he barely managed to squeak, "Their in Australia." The girls seemed content with this fib and returned to being little angels, whilst Ewan fell onto his side.

Elfwood gulped as Moony gave him a devilish grin and hid in the back of the Elfin group. The elder elf seemed slightly turned off by the fact that the only place for them to go was there. Finally, he ordered to two worker elves, "Show the girls to their room, and bring the young man some ice." They left immediately, Remy pulling her trunk-on-wheels, Anya pulling the wagon, and Celes pushing Ewan's bike as he staggered after them.

When the elves in the room were positive they were long gone, Elfwood ran to his blaster and began to cry tears of joy. "My baby," smooch, "my sweet, beautiful babe," smooch, "I'll never leave you again!"

"Get a hold of yourself, soldier," snapped Ernie. He kicked the younger man in the ribs before turning about angrily.

"Sir," an elf began timidly, "Don't you think that the humanoids will foil the plan of revolt?"

Another elf agreed, "Ya, with them here, Albus Dumbledor is bound to be on our tails!"

"DON'T YOU THINK I REALIZE THIS YOU BLOODY HALF-WITS?!?!" Ernie roared with acidic anger. They all cowered in fear behind Elfwood. Ernie counted to ten before smiling maliciously. "They will only make the victory even more sweet," he informed them.

They elves listened carefully as he explained the new plan.

Yes, the chapter was short, I'm sorry!

PDMD


End file.
